Please Join Me, And Use Me As Your Mirror.


Make a move and...LIVE!

"Good Morning, This Is God!
I will be handling all your problems today. 

I will not need your help-
So, have a nice day."

After kissing our son on the head and getting a cup of Joe, I read this card my mentor gave to me. It is taped on my desk with a picture of Papa just below it. Papa is my guardian angel. I forget about him from time to time. Especially, when I forget to put God first in my life. This reminds me of my days in Al-Anon where I learned, "Progress Not Perfection." A slogan that reminds me to be gentle with myself as I navigate through what works and what doesn't. The contradiction is...we are ALL perfect souls having a human experience, playing the game of life.  We learn our biggest lessons by going for it and movement. Just think about a chess game where you don't take your turn; your Queen/King may still be on the board, but NOT truly alive. Not truly living.

I have been living BIG lately, busting through addiction after addiction. I recently did the extreme opposite of something I did in my 20's. I over corrected, and you know what happens to cars when you do that? Good thing I am a resilient lass. We can all crash into another car, but we don't need to burn. Nope. Just step out of the car, brush off the debris, bless the other driver, and say: "Thank you God that I am still alive; and YES, I have learned my lesson to ALWAYS put you first." 

This is where we find the balance. How could I if I hadn't experienced the two extremes? If I hadn't moved my Queen? Sometimes the move gets us what we want; and the smarter we are; we will experience the sweet taste of surrender without choosing the cliff. 

We can scare ourselves with movement and change. For years I stayed in the illusion of comfort, "thinking" I was creating happiness, when deep down...I knew. I knew that I was not truly living this short life. Just a bleep in time it is. Creating the experience of eye cancer (4x) reminds me of that. 

I have been told that I am "intense." Some LOVE it about me; others run away. I have had a hard time understanding what they mean. I am just me, and crave life. If I am not learning and LIVING, I don't want to be here. I have thought about suicide since I was a young girl. I actually dreamt about it last night (and no, I am not suicidal).  I walked into a bathroom stall with everything I would do the deed with, and a young clerk opened the door and confiscated my bag of paraphernalia as if to say: "Sorry, this is not your way." I smiled and thought to myself, "figures." You see, I am a  soul who could not get away with ANYTHING. Every time I have gone against the current, I get caught. Most people have no tolerance for my imperfections. Especially, me. 

This is my lesson. To love myself (unconditionally) through my perfect imperfections, especially when others don't. To not rely on anyone but God. To trust that I am made exactly the way I need to be-with a "zest for life" that can be contagious by the ones who are willing to stop playing it safe and go "DIVERGENT" with me. 

Have you seen the movie? I have never related more (besides "The Matrix" without the guns). I know there are people out there that will complement me with this task, grabbing life by its balls and creating peace on earth.

Is it you?

With all my heart,


Sit and Talk (8th Pathway)

*8th Pathway: "I feel with loving compassion the problems of others without getting caught up emotionally in their predicaments that are offering them messages they need for their growth."

Ken Keyes Jr. (Handbook to Higher Consciousness)

PS...Obviously, do not substitute my name... USE YOURS! LOL. 



Ok, Ok...I will buy something YELLOW.

It has been one year since I saw the palm reader at the fair. She was right on last year, so why not? A guilty pleasure of mine. You see, none of us really need to see a clairvoyant. They tell you what your life will look like based on your level of consciousness in the present moment.  So, what ever you are doing NOW in your subconscious and your future. This can change within seconds. We have our freewill, and that is life's game.

So, why see a fortune teller if everything can change? Well, I like an EXCLAMATION point once in awhile, and I have helped myself immeasurably throughout the years when they convey what I already know to be true in my heart. Frequently, I have not listened to that inner whisper and the seer helps me to not scare myself with Love's truth. Many have smiled at me and said, "What are you doing here? You can do what I am doing." I reply, "I know, BUT..." is timely for me to get my butt out of the way.

My mentor reminds me of my addiction to knowing what is behind the curtain, and how it is that very demand that prevents me from accessing what I do know to be true right NOW. is my guilty pleasure. After all, I am an Aquarian; the futuristic sign of the zodiac. The moon and the stars have its influence, and I remind myself that I don't need to be persuaded by it.

I saw the unseen as a child, stuffing it down with parents who did not understand my gift. My dad just "thought" it was nonsense, and my mom "thought" it was influenced by the devil (yikes). Little did they know that their "thoughts" were based in fear, and their daughter could help many people with her God given talent. I bought into their ego and shut down my abilities.

A few years ago, I went to see a priest. He put his hands on my head and prayed for... my father. WHAT?!? I laughed afterwards, for he knew that I did not need the healing. Well, at least in that moment (I could have used "laying on of hands" 3 months later...LOL). As I walked away, I recognized that the religious irishman was similar to the clairvoyant I had been seeing, but with the social stamp of approval. So sad. I remember my psychic crying to me about the prejudice from her family that she had received when she announced her truth. She was an elementary school teacher who left her profession because she saw beyond the veil of illusion. She needed to be who God made her to be...whether her family accepted it and her or not. Whew...I now know how THAT feels. And, I bless them all, regardless. Prejudice is fear and prevents oneness. It is dark, and necessary for us who are its "so-called" victim to strengthen ourselves and THRIVE. Love's truth always prevails, and I will be no exception.

As I walked out of the RV after my reading, my friends jumped up and squealed: "WHAT DID SHE SAY?"

"Well, besides being a published author (who actually makes money) and maybe sequel movies (whoop!),  I need to buy something...YELLOW!" She was the second intuitive that recommended this (the first one I ignored; I can be resistant).

I bought myself a larger-than-average yellow pillow yesterday at Ross. It was the brightest star in the entire store. As I walked with it fastened to my chest to the register, I created some embarrassment. The clerk smiled, "WOW... that is one bright pillow." When I got home, my (practice) husband looked at it (still clung to my chest) and with a look of disgust said "That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen."  Ha...typical; no wonder we are changing form of our relationship.

I, myself, placed it on my bed and can't stop smiling.

The palm reader was right. And, I am so grateful.

With all my heart,



Girls Just Want To Have Fun! (TRAIN)

I am tired this morning, so please bare with me on this entry....

There is a time for reflection and a time for study. There is a time for seriousness and a time for laughter. AND, there is a time for fun. 

About five years ago, I put myself into a spiritual boot camp (of sorts). I began the process of  surrendering to the "what is" of my life's challenges, seeing how my ego does not work for me, and tapping into my heart. I was desperate to know who I really was, and tired of flip flopping in limbo land. Some of you may remember my first blogs. It took me about two years to be willing to spill my intestines out for you to munch on. For you to digest or not; my work was to not mind either way.  I needed a teacher to help me see Love's truth; the ego is way too wily and a trickster at best. It is a humbling moment to know that you are a hot mess and can't do it alone. Believe me, I "tried" for years, begging a therapist for drugs. For I could not bare the pain of conditional love, any longer. I did not like what I was seeing in this world, and I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired." 

The Buddhists say, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." that is TRUTH! It has taken a teacher to help me help myself, pointing out my ego with so much compassion and grace. I am beyond grateful and will continue to thank God for the opportunity to be my truest and loving self, welcoming the opportunity to Not what my family, friends, society "think" I SHOULD be. What a relief.  

My mentor said to me yesterday, "You are getting close to graduating." WHAT?!?  Yep. I asked my teacher to be in intensive training over two years ago, and boy has it been the ride of my life. An experience that has tested me to my core, and helped me release myself from the prison walls in which I dwelled. I was used to misery and created a sick comfort with its illusions. Until I had had enough. It is time to be the butterfly that I was born to be and stop playing small, hiding behind the cloak of teacher training. I know this. All it takes is willingness. Willingness to stay true to myself. 

My teacher ended the phone call by reminding me to go have some...FUN.


Sing again...

I am coming to realize that life is just one big surprise and to go with it. Resisting the ones we don't want only leads to suffering, so why not ride the wave and do your best to not crash and hit the reef. So cliche, the wave analogy, and I don't mind. The ocean reminds me of my youth. Times with my dad, eating pizza with sprinkles of crunchy sand and drinking warm milk from the carton. May sound gross to you, but it brings tears up and out to ponder on some pleasant memories about the relationship I had with my father-for a change. 

He has lived with a yellow canary in his heart that only I could really see. It was so bright and jubilant, singing out loud, and free. There were times, and seldom, that we sang a duet. My heart and his. A bond that was so dynamic and alluring that I clung onto it. I continually confused myself as to WHY he  muzzled the finch. It was so good when it was good; a thunderous accolade, I would receive. And then, BAM..."What's wrong, Dad?" The stillness of the room was chilly; I forgot to bring my jacket. 

This is the trouble with the "WHY?" A mystery that only the Universe truly knows and none of my business.  My mind wonders, Is it his contract to live in the snow, and mine to melt it? No. I did that for years. And years. It never worked. I got in the way of the divine; elbowing in with desperation, doing my best to prevent his decline. I created misery over "thinking" I was the problem. If only...I were enough. 

It is our earth school lesson to create peace with or without others. To establish a relationship with God that surpasses all attachments. To know that we are never alone when we tap into our truest self. To step aside, when the addiction to neediness or being needed surpasses our relationship with our Creator. 

This is only when we will claim our powerful voice, open the cage, and sing again... 

With all my heart,



CLASS TIME (Review of the 10th and onto the 11th)

I am an eclectic one. A living lover at my best and when choosing fear...I grab onto pathways or where my heart guides me. There is not ONE way to anything...or a "definitive line" to source. Being programmed with a "cookie-cutter" mentality, I have WANTED one cut and dry way. Give it to me, God; you know that I will DO IT. Don't you know that I have always been a "good" little girl and do as I am told? Ahh...if it were only that easy.  Well, it is simple when we realize "It's only life after all," and to not take the craziness so seriously. 

The mind wants to scare the crap out of us, paralyzing, in fact. It gives us the illusion that our walls are talking and caving in on our heads. We have suddenly entered the Twilight Zone, destroying our lives and the choices we make. Fear is not something OUT THERE; it is created by us based on our life's contract and childhood. Our family and friends will often innocently validate our fears, making them "seem" more real. We will create more confusion and shut down. You will defend: But wait a second....I "feel" safe. Sorry friends, fear gives us the illusion of safety, and we will inevitably be stuck doing the same thing over and over. 

We are the creators of our life. Freewill to choose Love or Fear. Hot or cold. When we listen to Fear's thunder, it becomes a hurricane. When we hear Love's subtle whisper, it gets louder with patience and practice. Fear keeps us brooding like a child; it is the "Boogie Man" in the closet and we have forgotten to open the door. Love helps us grow up and become an adult, taking responsibility for our life. Man oh man, growing pains do hurt though. 

Let's review the 10th Pathway To A Higher Consciousness:

"I am continually calming the restless scanning of my rational mind in order to perceive the finer energies that enable me to unitively merge with everything around me."

I have used this pathway a lot this week, praying for the "finer energies" to lead me to the well of peace and serenity. 
I needed to LET GO, and then I heard. I was led to a song (at the end of blog) and to the answer I so desperately wanted. Thank you. I have made the decision to do something that I have NEVER done before. I will reveal it when the timing is right. And boy oh boy, will I have a lot to write. Life is becoming more exciting by the minute. All because I am choosing...LOVE. 

Here's the next one...

11th Pathway: "I am creating the awareness that in choosing fear, I relinquish my joy of loving." 

With all my heart, 


"Closer I Am To Fine"



"Who's Ever In Your Row, That's How You Know."

A witty one-liner my friend said to me today at lunch, and I bust out laughing. I immediately thought about whom I spend most of my time with, and that is a great barometer. I definitely have very loving people that care about my spiritual growth, encouraging me to be my big self by forgiving and seeing the innocence of others. Friends who are about taking responsibility and owning their camp (well, most of the time). Limiting gossip, finger-pointing, and blame. They work on most challenges, twisting them into a growing opportunity vs. a shit sandwich. I fight for my less-than-perfect BLT occasionally, bargaining with God while screaming: "WHY ME?" My girls don't allow me to spew for too long without that eminent look of, "How long are you going to play small?" Sure, I can look at some of my life's circumstances as crappy (and meet new friends who play in the mud, validating my fears while wallowing in the safety of "Misery Likes Company"), or I can choose to see that everything strengthens me to become more of my authentic divine self. Hmm...let's see...Victim or Thriver? A survivor is no longer an option for me. I swing both ways and that is just the way it is.

So, I encourage you all to SEE whom you are spending time with. This is not to judge; this is to observe. If you like what's in front of you, great!  If you don't, change is an option. This is one of the hardest parts of spiritual growth. It is very painful to see that your crowd is no longer your boogie (which does NOT make them wrong). And if you want your life to be different, you could act and do life differently.

So, just to make things clear and avoid any miscommunication, I am NOT saying leave your friends if you don't like what you see. And, I would suggest that you take a closer look in the mirror.

Ghandi said it perfectly, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." The more you change; the phone may slowly stop ringing, AND....your true friends will love you no matter what. They will be happy for you. They may even want some of that magic that they possess, too.

 No right or wrong. Life is a class; the choice is yours.

With all my heart,


My Song- My Life.

A dedication from a close friend...she knows me well.

"Closer To Fine"
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

Seventh Pathway VLOG

We all have our preferences, and friendship works through differences with communication. No right or wrong way. Compromise with love, and create happiness either way. We spoke later, and are just going to let it flow and ask for no interruptions if we need it. Doesn't always mean we will get what we want, but at least we are putting out for it. Go for it, my friends; and then...LET GO!

Be Happy and Complete Yourself.

I need to figure out how to get creative without spending money. Why? Because the minute I get my hands on pretty material, I start salivating. I didn't intend on shopping yesterday in SLO, but when I sniffed out my bestie, working around the corner at my favorite clothing store in town (Coverings), I just had to pop in and say, "hello."

Little did I know that half the store was...40% off! What?!? Oh yeah,'s ON! Something about creating outfits and loving on yourself, especially when single, brings out the happy in me. And boy was I HAPPY. Recently, I have lost some pounds (divorce diet), and I was enjoying every moment of my best friend and two other lovely woman oohing and awing over me. An untethered pleasure of mine. Why not? I deserve it.

Letting go of addictions to life being how I want it, does that sort of thing. One of my previous addictions is that people be happy. Is that a crime? Well, it is-against myself. It is not my job; it is theirs. All I can say is, I have done my best considering my programming. Once I remind myself that I cannot make anyone happy, I am free to move on. To be loving is to set our loved ones free (including ourselves) to create their/our own happy with or without a person. I would prefer to create happiness side by side with someone who loves me through my insecurities and unhappy moments. A partner who complements me versus completes me. And I will continue to put that desire out into the Universe, accepting what I need for my growth. All relationships (including romantic) are HERE for our spiritual growth from which to learn and grow. People have really screwed themselves from the famous and oh-so romantic lines of: "You Complete Me; You Had Me At Hello."

Being a dyed in the wool romantic, made me a prime candidate for accepting this movie's Hollywood version of life. I have been a relationship junkie and was programmed to believe that it was my job to make others complete; that I actually had that sort of power. If I did enough cartwheels, I would finally receive love, proving to myself that I am worthy. Ha! What a joke on me. The problem is...I have worked too hard. Love is not to be earned, and we are worth love... just because. How is THAT for romantic? That we are loved because we breathe. That we are loved because we are spirit. Can you imagine what a love like that does? Orgasmic, if you ask me. I have finally learned my earth school lesson.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

With all my heart,